capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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