My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
a search helicopter?!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
