My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
