My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
