She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize