I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you inspire me to be a worse person
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
