apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
