it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
