Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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