i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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