if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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