Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
