thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
