Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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