the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
40s are totally the cure
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
