I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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