im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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