Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
