Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
