you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
