It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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