I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
