I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
