no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
