So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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