It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
