people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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