At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
