My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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