my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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