i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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