Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
