I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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