So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
love makes seman taste better
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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