he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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