I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Randomize
