you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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