Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
