New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
