I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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