I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
