Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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