if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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