I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
