Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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