I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
