I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
