This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
