Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is the high leading the old right now
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
