did you get engaged???
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
