she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
