I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
