im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
