she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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