she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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