You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
