omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
