Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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