Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
