How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
